Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons

Being a Lesbian Mother

By Carmen Allen
Affinity, 27:5 [July, 1995]

My perspective of lesbian motherhood is I think, very unique. Only two years ago I was an extremely active church member struggling to conceive a child without success (with a husband, no less). My infertile woes became distracted by pairing-up with Jane and I quickly moved to the state of euphoria. My life changed in many wonderful, terrifying, liberating, and emotionally challenging ways (a whole 'nother paper). In the kid category I struck oil overnight and became a co-parent of four. One might gasp at the thought but amazingly enough the children, with good understanding of the nature of our relationship, accepted fully. Their first priority was their mother's happiness.

Although our family with lesbian mothers provides circumstance different from heterosexual counterparts, it is in many ways like every other family. My role as a parent is different not because of my lesbian status, but because of how society reacts to it. If people didn't think it was a controversy my writing wouldn't be worth its paper unless there was something unique about my parenting style (which of course there is!!).

Unfortunately there is discomfort with being a lesbian mother. My mother for example, has made it clear that I have not lived up to her dreams for me. From her perspective, I am a societal reject, someone who is not considered a parent and a daughter who should not bring her grandchild into this world. How truly sad. Strangely, she pities me. This, of all issues that concern being a lesbian parent, is clearly the most painful.

Other extended family members have set very poor examples for the children. They all profess to be practicing Christians, yet impolitely exclude us from family functions. The message to the children is "You're not welcome." We make it clear to them that it is not because of our actions. or theirs, but because our relatives can't accept our relationship. As our youngest has often said, "that's stupid." Here, here young lad!!

More negative representation has come from our local ward. How should a child feel about a church that has excommunicated their caretakers who obviously are loving and want to serve? When the primary discussion centered on families, our youngest mentioned he had two moms. His teacher said, "you can't, that's not possible." He sternly stood by his statement. Because we were basically considered non-serving pariahs, we soon began to attend a different church that allows us to serve and sit next to each other in the same pew. The children are very happy in their new surroundings and don't miss the pity at all.

Within our family, I feel good about my relationship with the children. Since they already have a mother, I'm almost always referred to by my name, which is fine. I'm so grateful that we were able to be honest with them from the start, eliminating the big "what age do we tell" issue. Instead we struggle almost predominately with regular parenting concerns. Our relationship is only relevant during certain circumstances such as friendship introductions or overnighters. Unfortunately lies sometimes come into play when I'm called "Aunt Carmen" or explaining that "mom and Carmen don't usually sleep in the same bed, just for tonight." We've left it up to the children to decide what to say. What it ultimately teaches is that "gray area lies" exist, and that hopefully they will only use them for the sake of protection from ridicule.

The older kids have learned in some cases that they didn't need to lie when the truth naturally came out through discussion with their friends Just like ourselves, they are getting to test the waters of society and see how friendly or unfriendly it can be.

Through our lesbian friends, the kids are experiencing good interaction with other lesbians and gay men. Some who have kids some who don't. The interaction with other lesbians and gays is affirming to them. In one instance, our oldest daughter admitted to that she was "going out with" a boy being raised by our lesbian friends. Talk about getting along!! In another instance, one of our boys was struggling with same-sex feelings and was comforted to know that his grade school teacher was gay. If, genetics plays a part in the development of children's same-sex preference, then who better to have as parents?

In general, I would say that it's very rewarding to be a part of this nurturing process. There are times when the demands are almost too much to bear and we struggle through them together. Jane is a wonderful mother and helps me to understand their needs better. I feel great comfort in knowing we are raising a group of children that know the meaning of acceptance of those who are different and who, turn, can teach this to others.