I coming out non finiscono mai

Reflections by Dr. Shainna Ali published on PsychologyToday.com (United States), June 5, 2018

Coming out is commonly regarded as a unique experience. The stereotype is often that of a young LGBT+ person coming to terms with their own identity, reaches self-acceptance and decides to reveal his identity to everyone in his life.

At best, it is greeted with love and acceptance, and nowadays there can even be a moment of celebration. This simplified view downplays the complexity of coming out, which is actually a series of life-spanning processes.

LGBT+ people face a number of stressors when thinking about coming out. Even though they hope to be welcomed with care and attention, LGBTQ+ people are often plagued by the following questions when considering coming out:

• Will he understand?
• Will he still treat me the same way?
• Will he judge me?
• Will he be angry?
• Will he be sad?
• Will it hurt me?
• Will I lose my job?
• Will I lose my home?
• Will I be safe?

Enduring these stressors, LGBT+ people often feel alone, disconnected, confused, sad, embarrassed, fearful, angry and vulnerable. These coming out stressors help explain the unfortunate statistic that LGBT+ people are 3 times more likely to experience serious mental health problems.

Because people can react in various ways, from acceptance to rejection, each disclosure process can be unique and different. A process is seen as a means to an end, so in reality, coming out is a set of processes.

Furthermore, it is important to reconsider coming out as a cyclical event to better understand the minority stress which one undergoes with subsequent revelations. Once a person has come out to their loved ones, telling others may seem simple, but it may not be so.

Even though a person may seem “proud” of themselves for decades, due to people and context, one can have difficult experiences of coming out throughout one's life. Common examples include moving to a new neighborhood, starting new families, or changing jobs. Regardless of self-acceptance, these moments can bring up questions, emotions, and stresses.

Awareness

The awareness phase begins when the individual is led to think about whether or not to reveal himself. For example, Alex told his parents he was gay 8 years ago. Since then, he has slowly come out to the rest of his loved ones and has been together with his partner for 4 years. However, Alex recently changed jobs and a colleague asked him if he is in a relationship. Despite Alex's self-confidence, the love of his partner, and the support of his loved ones, he may experience the stress of deciding whether or not to reveal himself to his colleague. Nearly ten years later, Alex finds himself in another coming out process.

The evaluation

In the evaluation phase, the LGBT+ person carefully evaluates whether the disclosure is necessary and useful or not. This phase can take a few minutes in some cases and months in others. Regardless of how long ago a person first came out, due to differences in context, it is still wise to always consider the consequences of each coming out. It is helpful to consider whether the disclosure is important to the person. Furthermore, it may be practical to consider both the potential benefits and risks involved. Visibility can have a price even if it is a valid choice, but even the choice not to reveal yourself can cause feelings of anxiety, shame and lies.

The decision

The decision phase is characterized by the choice to disclose or the decision that disclosure is not justified. The ideal is for the individual to feel strong, regardless of whether coming out occurs or not. Furthermore, reflection is useful to understand how a person's life may be affected by this decision. Every time the opportunity to come out presents itself, a person has the chance to experience personal growth.

The benefits of this recognition and awareness can help combat stressors experienced during the decision-making process. By recognizing the cyclical nature of coming out and the increase in coming outs experienced over the years, this helps us overcome the stressors associated with coming out.

Original text: The Coming Out Cycle. Why we need to recognize the cyclical nature of the coming out process