How should I behave with my daughter's girlfriend?

Article by Polly* and Shelby Kim published on the site My Kid is Gay (United States), freely translated by Chiara Benelli

“I need help because I'm a little panic in the grip ... my daughter will take home his girlfriend next week, and even if I told her that she was fine and that I wanted to meet her (it's the first time I know someone with whom He's, since my daughter has come out), I am suddenly agitated! What if I said something wrong? What if you create embarrassment? My husband is less electrified at the idea of ​​knowing her, and this makes me even more nervous on how our meeting will take place. Help me!"

Anonymous mother

Polly and Shelby reply: HI! First of all, it is beautiful that you want to meet your daughter's girl, and that she comes to you. If your daughter takes her to the house, then she must want to make you know her with all of you, and you to her. It's a good sign! It means that he does not feel embarrassed and is not ashamed of his girlfriend or you, and also that he does not worry too much that you can say something wrong, or that the meeting can take an embarrassing turn. It does not question your support and your love.

It is normal for you to feel a little agitated, but let's see a little ... maybe, making your daughter feel welcome her to the house, and putting her at ease, you will be able to downsize your anxiety a little.

Does the agitation derive from the fact that you will know the sweet half of your daughter for the first time, or that her sweet half is a girl? Feeling nervous because her daughter plans to bring home the person with whom she makes a fixed couple is normal, regardless of sexuality. It is someone important for her: it will be exciting to know her, and you will certainly want to make a good impression. A little anxiety is natural, and indeed, it shows that you keep us, that it leans its relationship and that you do not want to do anything that can ruin it.

If, on the other hand, anxiety derives from not yet dealing with the sexuality of your daughter, well this is also understandable. Search for support and useful resources, such as the Center I AGED closer to you, or the website of the Gionata project, with all the articles you can find yourself on this topic, and get the book Lucky parents .

If your daughter's coming out is recent, it is normal not to feel completely at ease that a girl will have. But even if you lived the identity of your daughter's queer girl in total serenity, knowing that she is attending with a girl and you are about to see them together for the first time makes everything suddenly more "real", and makes feelings emerge on which You had no opportunity to reflect.

Since you are afraid to tell the wrong thing, to embarrass her and how it will end, prepare in advance and discuss with your husband and daughter of certain things, so that everyone has the thick expectations and avoid bad surprises.

You say that you worry your husband's feelings and possible reactions, so I recommend you talk to him about it. He also recommends the useful resources mentioned above, and ask him what worries him. When your daughter's girl arrives, she will now be too late to investigate her true mood.

Se non riesci a convincerlo ad abbracciare in pieno la storia d’amore di tua figlia, mettetevi almeno d’accordo su come agire per evitare momenti spiacevoli durante l’incontro. Decidete in anticipo la sistemazione per dormire, e cercate di trovarvi d’accordo, così da avere un parere unanime. Fai sapere a tua figlia cosa hai deciso in anticipo, in modo che, se proprio ci dovessero essere discussioni su qualcosa, queste non avvengano davanti alla sua ragazza.

Infine, parla con tua figlia. Chiedile in che modo chiamano lei e la sua ragazza questa loro storia. Non riferirti alla sua ragazza come a un’“amica”, perché daresti l’impressione di non prendere sul serio la loro relazione, o di volerla in qualche modo tenere nascosta. Chiedi loro se – e in che modo – vogliono che le presentiate a parenti e amici durante l’incontro. Senti cosa vogliono fare quando sarete tutti insieme, quanto vogliono essere lasciate da sole durante le attività familiari. Discuti con tua figlia il modo in cui tu e tuo marito sarete chiamati dalla sua ragazza, e chiedile se sia il caso di abbracciarla mentre vi salutate. Falle anche sapere che non vedi l’ora di incontrare la sua ragazza, e assicurati di averle detto detto che sei favorevole al 100% alla loro storia insieme.

You can also tell your daughter that you are a bit agitated for the meeting, because you want everything to go well. Ask her what worries her, or if she has any advice to give you on how to avoid false steps. What are your hopes and expectations in view of this meeting? Ask her if she has already met the parents of her girlfriend, as she went with them, and what she would have made her feel more comfortable.

But above all, try to remember how the meeting with your husband's parents was when you came out together, and then as the meeting between yours and his parents was. If the embarrassing stories about childhood and the photos that portrayed you in full puberty have made you ashamed, perhaps it is appropriate not to repeat the error.

Be friendly, welcoming and conciliatory, but don't overdo it. Try to be yourself. If you usually wear rainbow prints and sparks flags of the Pride throughout the house ok, but do not strive and do not insist too much on the fact that it is a homosexual relationship.

Genuinely interested in your daughter's girl, but finds the right balance between showing you interested and making her the third degree. It is highly likely that she is the most agitated between you two, she is still an unknown that arrives at your home for the first time. Don't try to be perfect: after all, she will remember how you treated it, and not what you said specifically. Welcome it, make her feel welcome and enjoy the encounter with this person who occupies such a special place in your daughter's life!

* Polly Kim is the mother of twenty -two twins of twenty -two, one of whom is a girl who has come out at the age of fifteen. Shortly thereafter, Polly joined Pflag Los Angeles, and today is part of his advice. Polly has been a science teacher for more than 25 years: he has taught biology and scientific research in high school, and science in elementary schools.

Original text: I'm Nervous to Meet My Daughter's Girlfriend