The challenges of believers. Starting over after experiencing negative spiritual experiences

Text published on Change.Inc.* (United States). Freely translated by the volunteers of the Gionata Project.

Kathryn she had grown up in a small, nondenominational evangelical church and cherished many memories of Sunday school, other kind parishioners, and lessons about the love of Christ.

However, as the years passed, he began to notice how often Sunday sermons were steeped in politics, especially on sensitive topics such as abortion and homosexuality.

She had developed her own beliefs on these topics, but every time she tried to express her point of view in a church context, she was overwhelmed by biblical quotes that seemed to contradict her and, sometimes, by explicit hostility.

He continued to attend church, but lately he felt like he had to force himself to get out of bed on Sunday mornings. Where was the enthusiasm she felt as a child?

David and his wife, Marie, were proud parents of three children and devout Catholics. Shortly after the birth of their third daughter, Angelica, it was understood that she would have special support as she grew up.

When Angelica approached kindergarten age, she was diagnosed with a developmental disorder, probably related to the autism spectrum. While David and Marie felt supported by the local school system, they found many difficulties in their parish.

Children's Sunday school activities were a challenge for Angelica, who struggled to interact socially and often cried from start to finish. Despite attempts to explain to volunteers and catechists the need for additional support, the predominant response was shrugs. When David spoke to the priest he was shocked to hear: “You know, David, if you need to go to another parish there is no problem”. The conversation ended like this, abruptly.

David returned home upset and decided to leave the Christian community. The disconnection and isolation that followed was worse than the initial offense, which shook them deeply.

Suzanne she had grown up in a very conservative and very rigid church, it was the one her parents attended. Already at 15 she knew that she would follow a different spiritual path once she became an adult. Now, she found her spiritual center by practicing yoga, reading inspirational books, and meditating. She had recently become passionate about the dialogue between Christianity and Buddhism, but every time she talked about it with yoga friends, she was looked at with amazement.

Some went so far as to argue that the overlaps he saw were exaggerated. In those moments, Suzanne felt a familiar feeling: People seemed rigid and closed-minded, just like the ones she had grown up with.

Jordan he was proud to be a member of a historic Protestant church on the south side of town. His community had preserved an impressive old church over the years, even receiving recognition from the local historical society.

The church also stands out for its attention to social justice and the fight against poverty. Jordan was an active participant in church efforts, such as teaching immigrants and running a food pantry for the homeless.

However, when he declared his homosexuality at 23, he did not receive the support he had hoped for from his church. He was directed to the church's "inclusive" ministry, but he didn't know the people in that group and hadn't grown up with them. He wondered why a community so attentive to social issues was so distant in supporting him at that time.

The importance of religious and spiritual life

Although many people report being able to live well without any religious or spiritual connection, a 2013 Gallup poll revealed that about 60 percent of Americans consider religion “very important.” However, the same poll highlighted that 76% believed that religion was losing influence over people.

One possible explanation for this trend is that many people have experienced negative religious or spiritual experiences that they feel it is necessary to limit their involvement to protect their well-being.

What do religion and spirituality try to address?

Religion and spirituality ask big questions about life: are we free or predestined? Rational or irrational? Subjective or objective? Proactive or reactive? In this continuous attempt to provide answers, numerous, often contradictory, points of view are confronted.

In the internet age, where every question can be answered with a quick search, the amount of information to process can be overwhelming.

In this context, it is easy to rely on charismatic leaders who promise certainties, rather than appreciating the path ahead and the questions themselves.

This dynamic can generate the “true believer” phenomenon, where dissatisfied people place their trust in external figures, convinced that existing culture or traditions have nothing to offer.

In doing so, they passively accept ideas and practices without questioning methods or beliefs, ignoring the internal discomfort or contradictions that emerge.

Personal disillusionment and loss of autonomy

Not everyone becomes a “true believer,” nor does everyone experience oppressive religious or spiritual experiences. Some participate in Christian realities which, despite having good practices, fail to translate them into a meaningful personal spirituality.

Others have generally positive experiences, but are disappointed by the inability of certain believing people to embody the values ​​of love and compassion they preach.

These episodes, although less intense, leave profound marks. Many find themselves stuck in a vicious cycle, repeatedly returning to the same environments in the hope that something will change. This creates confusion, isolation and a sense of loss.

Some common signs for those who have had negative religious experiences include:

• Confusion and disorientation
• Loss of interest in spiritual pursuits or other passions
• Feelings of abandonment and loneliness
• Depression and irrational fears
• Guilt for not “having enough faith” or patience
• Disconnection from God or spiritual practice
• When a negative experience becomes abuse

Not all negative experiences are mere accidents. Some behaviors in the religious or spiritual field are so serious that they can be defined as real abuse.

Signs of spiritual or religious abuse include:

• Lack of tolerance for different opinions
• Questions about beliefs or practices seen as challenges to authority
• Rigid “all or nothing” thinking
• Institutionalized discrimination against women, people of color, or LGBTQ+
• Hostility towards those outside the group and pressure to isolate oneself
• Perfectionism and inconsistency between declared values ​​and real actions
• Use of fear and shame as tools of control

What can therapy do?

Those who have experienced negative religious experiences or spiritual abuse often fear that asking for help will make the situation worse. However, professional support can be important, especially if offered in an empathetic and non-judgmental way, to find balance, whether you choose to continue attending a religious community or distance yourself from it.

Is there hope?

For those who have suffered, imagining a way out may seem impossible. But healing is possible. Here are some initial steps on the journey:

1. Give yourself time: Deep wounds require patience. It didn't all happen overnight, and the healing won't be immediate either.

2. Recognize your thought patterns: Avoid replicating the rigid thought that hurt you. Healing is not achieved by “you must” or “you should”, but by accepting the complexity of your path.

3. Accept the change: You may never return to a religious or spiritual community, but you may discover that the new you, with its scars and experiences, is worth loving.

But if you need support to overcome negative religious or spiritual experiences, a therapeutic journey can be the key to finding serenity and hope.

Original text: Recovering from negative religious or spiritual experiences.