When faith is a cage. An elderly believer gay is told

Testimony sent to us by Luigi*

Dear, I don't know what hands this story of mine will arrive.

I am dismayed, both because in a few months I will turn 78 and because I have been passing for years from an fundamentalist Catholic faith, to a great indifference to it when the moment comes when I can't take it anymore and I would just like to caress the face of a Another man, but I cannot for the many reasons you can imagine.

My “sexual preferences"They are addressed exclusively, except for some exceptions, to men. This is the sentence made to me by the ministers of a God not of love. But why mysterious reason, and that I don't understand, can I never live this feeling?

This is my real condemnation, in addition to having thought and rethought many times to my faith after being, as a teenager, seminarian and subsequently novice at a monastic order.

For sixteen, I realized my homosexuality, which had already manifested itself around 14 years of age, but in a silent and episodic way. After alternating events, I left the monastery, it was the only thing I could do before emitting the votes. The monks, except my confessor, were unaware of my condition, but they knew about my terrible moral scruples.

With the monks I have always maintained an excellent relationship, so much so that they found me a dignified job that allowed me to get to the pension. However, during my years of work and also as a retired, I was unable to live emotional relationships and I was therefore the victim of pornographic magazines of all kinds, then I moved on to chats and porn movies, all things that caused me alone empty inside and miserable satisfaction.

The few "friends" with whom I was in confidence, even sensual, after the first meetings disappeared or deluded me cruelly. There were also those who have exploited my generosity, but I don't regret it. However, everything ended with them always before being born. Maybe I was not a Kamasutra expert, but certainly the homosexuality of a person is not measured by this, even more if you are Christians and also Catholics.

I was recommended by illuminated priests, but also by some who were obtuse and unable to understand.

In the end I declared myself Coram Populo, except that with my parents who have never known anything, at 47 years old, age in which many believe that it is too old to enter the homosexual world, but this was not certain what I was looking for.

Today I try to stay calm, only as I am, as I have always been while I try to make my decisions, wrong or correct.

After the painful death for an incurable evil of my only brother, I crashed into a turbine of malani. Fortunately, I'm still alive and now I'm slightly better.

Perhaps my experience may not be interested in everyone, but now they are now an open book. Having kept my homosexuality hidden for years has taught me to be more open and sincere with others.

I would like to have a close person to caress and pamper, with whom to pray and believe in a merciful God and not in a god-reinforced god of terrible Saette. I stop here, also because I can't even think of changing life or participating in meetings or retreats with other homosexual Christians, I would not do it.

So I am alone and abandoned, even by the priests of my parish. I pray little the Lord, but please, as I pray to the Madonna Mother of God and our Mother. I still can't see a God of love. This is very serious, I know from me, but I can't really, believe me.

Today, apart from some healthy religious reading, my preference goes to the books of fiction with homosexual thematic that tell me the feelings that two bodies that are known and loved each other. I don't think I hurt by reading them, but I'm always in doubt that I am a "sinner" for this.

But what fault do we homosexuals if we are born like this or do we become such? This was my personal experience.

Today I would finally want to have a person to pamper! Is it a childish thought? It can also be, maybe it's too carnal thought? Perhaps, but we are made, in addition to spirit, also of flesh and blood and we cannot ignore our sexuality. God created us with a soul and a body, with all the well -present instincts.

But in my age perhaps only the instincts and desires remained and I hold me at the thought of not being able to do anything physically, of not being able to caress and pampering. I don't add anything else. Do you think this is to be condemned? I don't know, but I think not.

However, this is only the opinion of a suffering old, both in the spirit and in the body. I don't add anything else, I have already written too much ... thanks for listening to me.

* Thank you very much to Luigi (her name has been changed on it is requested) for giving us this touching testimony. We have changed or deleted in his testimony, always at his request, any reference to people close to him.