Because gays and lesbians sometimes fall in love with heterosexual people
Article by John Gallagher published in The Advocate magazine (USA) on 17 February 1998, freely translated by Sonia Lo Conte
David will never forget his first love he met in college: “He was sensitive and intelligent,” he recalls. “There was a certain emotional affinity between us. I thought he was the right person for me." Except for one problem: David's ideal man was heterosexual. “I can't say I didn't know,” he says, “I just thought that love could overcome any problem.” In this case, however, the obstacle to overcome was too high.
After he confessed his feelings to his friend, their friendship ended. “It was too uncomfortable for both of us,” he recalls. “He was very kind about it, but he couldn't reciprocate. Being around him was torture. We had to split up." Now, ten years later, David looks back on what happened with a mixture of amazement and embarrassment.
“To tell the truth, I'm a little ashamed of it,” he says, while we note that he prefers not to reveal his full name, because he hasn't yet told the episode to the partner he's been with for four years. “It was really stupid. The one good thing is that it allowed me to look inside myself and be honest with myself about being gay. He literally forced me to declare myself homosexual."
Perhaps. But, like David, most of those interviewed on this topic preferred to remain in the shadows when talking about their feelings towards heterosexuals. Psychologists say that this phenomenon is completely normal. After all, they say, falling in love with a straight man can be one of the most painful and frustrating experiences a gay man can endure. And it's the same thing for a lesbian to fall in love with a straight woman. “It's a very masochistic act,” says Charles Silverstein, co-author of “The Joys of Homosexuality” and a private therapist in New York. “It almost always ends in disaster.”
Not in the movies though. The film “Love and Death on Long Island”, starring Jason Priestley explores the phenomenon in a subtle and not terrible way for both parties.
Almost all gays and lesbians have felt a thrill towards a heterosexual icon be it Keanu Reeves or Catherine Deneuve. Developing a deep and fundamentally dissatisfied feeling of affection towards a heterosexual is almost an obligatory experience in the life of a homosexual, but although still relevant, it is fading quickly. “I don't think it happens that often anymore, and I think that first of all it leads to the question of 'what is it?' ,” says Betty Berzon, a Los Angeles psychotherapist who has written extensively about gay mental health.
“One of the results achieved by the work of gay activists is to bring people out into the open. Now it's much easier to find each other.”
Therapists say the phenomenon occurs most often with people like David was ten years ago, someone who has just become aware of being homosexual or has little connection to that reality.
“It's mostly a 'novice' gay person who might idealize a non-gay person,” says Michael Shernoff, a gay psychotherapist in New York. For some it's a question of proximity. “I only knew straight guys,” says Tom (he also wants to keep his last name hidden). “I worked and socialized with them, so eight years ago I inevitably developed an unrequited crush on a colleague. I didn't know any gay people to fall in love with.”
Silverstein says that for gay men who have kept their feelings hidden out of fear or shame, the first time they fall in love must be an almost devastating, even inadequate experience. “They have never had the opportunity to express feelings of love or to be loved by another man,” he continues, “when those feelings come out, it's like turning on a faucet.”
Berzon says he knows firsthand the relationship between homosexual and hetero love objects. “I know this from personal experience. When I was around 18-20 and I didn't want to be gay, the women I fell in love with were all straight,” she says. “I don't think I would have allowed myself to have feelings towards someone who I knew was a lesbian.” She believes that women are more likely than men to form an emotional bond with a straight person. “I think women are more open to going further in exploration with other women, although that doesn't mean they will live as gay people.”
Therapists point out that the crux of the matter is the discomfort the person feels about being gay or even not liking it. For many, this discomfort stems from misconceptions about what it means to be male: “There are still those who consider appearing or being gay synonymous with effeminacy or weakness,” says Robert Cabaj, a San Francisco psychiatrist and co-editor of the book “ Textbook of Homosexuality and Mental Health”.
“The origin of homophobia can be attributed entirely to the fact that society has always considered gays as men who have chosen to behave like women. They came to the conclusion that being gay means being weaker.”
Adds Shernoff: “Maybe it's a way of being 'less gay.' If you're struggling with what it means to be truly gay, where you recognize yourself as other men, perhaps it becomes more acceptable to want a man who you don't think of as gay." “But with the masculinization of gay culture,” he continues, “the stereotype of the weak gay man is drifting away: with today's fitness culture, even the gay queen can bruise you.”
Berzon says that no matter how much the would-be lover may claim to want a relationship, if his unhappiness in being gay leads him to be attracted to straight men, he will thus be able to avoid establishing a lasting bond: “When you row against by romantically attaching yourself to someone who is unlikely to have a relationship with you, you feel somehow safe.” “Even if a gay man has sex with an apparently straight man, he won't be satisfied,” says Silverstein: “because it's love they're looking for.”
Cabaj says that in a minority of cases, gay men repeatedly fall in love with straight men. “I see this in a lot of men who are very insecure about their sexual orientation,” he says. “They think that if they are “blessed” by contact with straight men, they might become more “normal”.”
For some men like David and Tom, the pain of the experience spurred them to look for someone who could reciprocate their feelings. “I wanted someone who would love me back or maybe even fall in love with me first,” Tom says. After several years in therapy, Tom began dating other gay men and recently moved in with the partner he'd been dating for a year.
As David and Tom's experiences demonstrate, flirtations between homosexuals and straights rarely have a happy ending. “There have always been stories of homosexuals who finally came out to those they were in love with and their feelings were reciprocated,” says Silverstein. “But I don't think it happens very often.” While the experience is painful for a gay person, it is often a source of confusion and discomfort for the straight person too.
Ian, a 27-year-old straight guy who didn't want to use his real name for this story, says he was just trying to be friendly when he met a co-worker who had just moved to town. “He was like a fish out of water and needed a place to live,” he recalls. “I told him about some places that had affordable prices, but he misunderstood my friendship as something else.”
On the one hand he didn't want to say anything that could be misinterpreted, on the other he didn't want to seem homophobic. Since his colleague was insistent, he started telling him that he was actually more interested in women. The colleague eventually quit his job, but Ian confesses that the episode made him think.
“For the first time I understood maybe how a lot of straight women must feel. All of a sudden you're targeted by someone else.
Straight men are culturally led to think that they are the only ones who have to “hunt” and that women are waiting to be “hunted”. I think a lot of straight people are scared when the games change. Their masculinity is questioned and they think, “What am I doing wrong to attract gay men?”
It's nice to get attention from both sexes, of course, but it's still something of a mystery.” Silverstein says straight men are often unaware of a gay friend's attraction to them. “People who are gay rarely tell the other person, because they're completely terrified that the other person will run away, and they probably will,” confirms Silverstein. In his case, when he declared his feelings to a straight friend of his, “the other one walked away.”
However, with greater acceptance of homosexuality, attitudes of gays and lesbians are changing. “Although gays continue to fall in love with straights,” says Cabaj, “this mostly happens to young gays, in high school or college.”
“I think homosexuals in general are mentally better off than they were in the past,” says Berzon, and Shernoff agrees: “What has reduced the number of gays falling in love with straight men is their growing awareness that there's nothing wrong in loving other gay men. This is one of the successes achieved by the movement."
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Original text: The mysterious lure of straights: why do some gay men and lesbians fall in love with heterosexuals