I am a Catholic husband. For too long I wanted to ignore that I was gay

Email sent to us by Paolo, he replies Alessandra Bialetti*, pedagogista sociale e Consulente della coppia e della famiglia di Roma

Dear editorial staff, my name is Paolo, I live in the Aosta valley and I need psychological help. For too long I wanted to ignore the homosexuality that was in me, which also began at a young age and for 'play'. Yes, I considered having sex with boys and men a game…
I got married 22 years ago because I fell in love. When our daughter was born, there were health problems and family misunderstandings that we were unable to manage. This drove us apart and we have been a white couple for about 18 years. In the meantime, my deviance recurred with quick occasional relationships that left me with anguish and feelings of guilt.
I never thought about separating to live with a man, but I realize that going on like this is not good for anyone. Sorry for the long email, I still have so much to say... If any of you knew a Christian psychologist in Aosta, I would be infinitely grateful.

Thank you. Paul

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The answer…

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Dear Paolo, thank you for contacting us and sharing your journey with us. Your path today leads you to the need to delve deeper into certain aspects of your being to live your daily life in a more reconciled and serene way. It is an excellent starting point as an awareness of being able to take control of your life since you say that in this way you cannot move forward both for yourself and for the people next to you.

You come from a marriage that you say you entered into as a lover. So a choice made in distant times but a precise choice dictated by a true feeling that you felt at the time and which gave fruit as rich and important as a daughter. So no form of judgment on your previous choices, a judgment that would not do anyone any good but would only generate feelings of guilt. So you chose what seemed most right to you and in line with your path at the moment. Now things have changed and you no longer want to ignore your different orientation or even relegate it to occasional relationships that leave you more anguish than anything else. This is also a very important starting point and will help you look inside yourself with greater authenticity and proactiveness.

You say that you have no intention of separating to live your affections differently but that you don't want to move forward with pretenses and feelings of guilt. The journey must be done step by step and with patience. Little by little, when you have a clearer understanding of what you want for yourself and the people close to you, you will find the best way to live your orientation and life plan. At this moment you need patience and good work on yourself to clarify the steps to be taken.

Psychological support will certainly be useful to you to better focus on what you want and how to achieve it, as well as trying not to make judgments about your life condition which you define as "deviance".
This term still suffers from a non-positive form of classification and traces your being to a pathology. This certainly does not help you to consider your orientation as part of you, a part that you have tried to forget or have experienced occasionally and which now asks to be taken into consideration and integrated in a more serene way into your being.

Important help could come from comparing yourself with others who experience the same situation as you. In this regard, I recommend you visit the Rainbow Parents Network website, an association that brings together homosexual parents with children from previous heterosexual relationships and any male and female partners.
Inside the site you will find a completely anonymous forum, therefore protected and guaranteed, in which you can tell your story or in any case compare yourself with the life stories of many who have the same path as you.
The association also offers self-help groups in the city of Turin (as well as in various parts of Italy) which you could refer to and which you will find news about on the site. Sometimes even discovering that you are not alone in experiencing certain emotions, thoughts, doubts and fears can be useful in welcoming yourself with greater mercy and love.

A cordial hug

Alessandra

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* Alessandra Bialetti, lives and works in Rome as a Social Pedagogist and Consultant for couples and families in various projects of various secular and Catholic associations and realities.