Questioni di cuore. Le difficoltà di un giovane gay a trovare un amore «serio»

Lettera inviata a Natalia Aspesi* tratta da Il Venerdì di Repubblica, 22 giugno 2012, p.17

Sono un ragazzo di 24 anni che si lascia prendere e si innamora di altri ragazzi da quando ne aveva 14 e da tre anni la cosa è pubblica. Conduco una vita professionale soddisfacente: studente magistrale di Lettere e Filosofia, già laureato triennale.

Gestisco con mia sorella una coinvolgente attività nella ristorazione che funziona bene, scrivo articoli, pensieri e opinioni su un giornale online locale, direi progressista, mi sono brevettato in ambito sportivo. Ho una smisurata passione per gli animali da cortile, che possiedo. Ma in ambito sentimentale non ne azzecco una.

Per anni sono rimasto prigioniero dello schema scellerato dell’innamoramento pazzo di amici eterosessuali o sedicenti tali, soffrendone molto, una volta arrivati gli inevitabili fallimenti.

Conosco nel tempo vari ragazzi gay e ne trovo alcuni interessanti che però non ricambiano mai. L’ultimo che ho conosciuto di recente mi aveva fatto sperare in aperte e ammalianti prospettive ed era pieno di promettenti aspettative.

More or less my age, from the same field of study, good looking, a boy who could have the same sensitivity as me on the issues of the world, who understood the themes of my publications, the anxieties, the fears, the shy and together thirsty in facing the single Kierkegaardian existence in the ocean of the world.

We hang out for a few days until the passionate kiss arrives after an evening of intense emotions at a concert (offered by me, and he was moved), a kiss that involves erotic-corporeal desire, I reply that I hadn't thought of that evening as a priority to the kiss, but rather I was happy with the synergy of interests and emotions of our being together, the tenderness, the smiles and that I didn't know what to say about this erotic-sexual drive, which according to him must go hand in hand with affinity mental. Is the transition so mechanical?

I was taken aback and once again I failed. I would like to point out that I had sex with guys, generally straight guys who indulged in "different" entertainment, and I never had emotional involvement with them.

Alessandro Meda (Monza and Brianza)

The answer…

From the photo you sent me, and for which I thank you, I would say that you are a nice guy, nicer than your friend who dumped you. I can't tell you much about this kissing thing, because as far as I know, physical attraction is something that precedes a kiss, that is, it pushes you to want to kiss.

That a single kiss can be enough to understand that we're not quite there seems exaggerated to me.
unless his behavior as a good boy who didn't expect that intimacy discouraged his friend. It may be that instead he already has his own emotional life, and has nipped your friendship in the bud, not being able to carry it forward.

Or again, your friend was afraid of the weight you give to what you call "mental affinity", that is, the idea of ​​having to measure yourself with your cultural as well as emotional needs: and preferring less demanding adventures, more purposeful themselves, he withdrew.

It doesn't surprise me to know that so-called straight people, or those who think they are straight, indulge in a gay adventure every now and then, but there must be a reason why gay people don't let themselves be seduced.

Perhaps you are too serious for your age, you have too many expectations, you immediately want a romantic involvement that your friends are not interested in at the moment.

* Journalist Natalia Aspesi has been hosting the 'Questions of the Heart' column for years on Il Friday di Repubblica.