What happens when the woman with whom your husband betray you is a man?

Article by Joe Kort* Published on the website Psychology TODAY (United States) On August 7, 2020, freely translated by Diana

Let me share with you a scenario that I have seen several times during my work: you have a long -term relationship with your husband. You are his wife, think that everything is as it has always been, it is a good relationship, and when you have time to have sex, it is always beautiful and satisfactory.

Then, one day, a small intuition makes you reflect on the time that passes online when you are not there. Or maybe you see a suggestive text on his phone, by someone you don't know. Or you are curious that sometimes it doesn't go home from work to the usual hour.

The ask questions, and then it becomes evasive, or put on the defensive, or even try to manipulate yourself, but you know it well - at least, so you think -, and feel that it is lying. He confuses you and hurts the fact that he is lying, and you cannot help but look for other clues about why.

Then, a day when he is absent, find out that he has not disconnected from his computer, and then feel the urgency to control him. With great dismay, discover that he visited porn sites - several - or gay chat.

You are overwhelmed, and you feel betrayed because he has hidden it for all these years. You feel as if you miss the earth under your feet, and you are frightened and angry. Start asking yourself: Is it my fault? I'm not quite good at bed? Did I make a mistake in spying on it? In the end, in front of the solid tests you have found, he admits that he had visited gay porn sites, or even having sex with a man outside the wedding commitments. But he insists that this means nothing, and that he continues to love you and wanting to live with you. But now you just manage to think that he has always been gay and he has never admitted it. You are devastated, and you are right.

Is it your fault?

First of all, you have to know that it is not your fault. You did nothing to make it happen. You don't have to blame yourself. It may seem crazy, because for you sexual intimacy is a very vulnerable and sacred thing, but this thing that is happening there has nothing to do with you.

Many women I work with, who discover their husband's secret life project, think that he must feel romantic feelings for these men, but often it is not true. In fact, for the majority of men who are in therapy for these problems, these are not romantic stories, but only a sexual act that acts on fantasy and taboos.

Why didn't he tell you before?

In most heterosexual couples, we never talk to their spouse of their dreams or deep fantasies. Erotic desires are silent for fear of being judged. The truth is that our erotic desires develop over time, and we can not have known or really understood it. He may have had a hint of feeling attracted, sometimes, by men, but this was not an acceptable thought, then he rejected him, or he simply thought it was a strange imagination.

But over the years, the suppression has not worked, and found himself strangely excited to the idea of ​​having sex with another man. He could not tell him or admit it with anyone - men do not speak of these things. He thinks that nobody would understand, because he doesn't want you to penal him as a gay one.

And maybe it is not.

This is a difficult concept to grasp in our culture, for most people. I wrote widely in my book "Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi: a guide for women concerned about their Men" (My husband is gay, straight or bisexual: a guide for women worried about their husband). We have accepted a cultural prejudice according to which those who have sex with another man, must necessarily be gay.

Let me talk about a conversation had a formal dinner a few years ago. I was talking about sexuality with my table neighbor. To emphasize his point of view, he placed the fork, looked at me and said: “If a man has sex with another man he is gay. Point".

So I also placed my fork and asked: “What if a woman has sex with another woman? Do you define it gay or lesbian? ". He paused and said: "I phone that college".

Everyone laughed, but it was a perfect illustration of the distorted ideas that we have on sexuality, especially the double standard that men in our culture must bear. Men cannot have erotic impulses towards other men, and be considered heterosexual. This applies not only in hetero culture, but also in the gay community. I don't know how many times I discussed this topic with gays, bisexuals and straight. The reality is that men are sexually fluid, much more often than we admit.

Who do you contact to receive help?

You, as a wounded woman, who you turn to receive help, especially if you absolutely do not want to throw your relationship away, but try to save her? That I know, there are no support groups in which straight men can have a control over their fantasies or actions with men of the same sex. So, rather than facing these basic problems, these couples continue silently to ignore them. "You don't tell anyone, please", Because you don't want this to upset all your relationships with friends and family.

Therapy can be done

During the therapy, first of all, I help you listen to you, to testify your feelings of anger and betrayal and understand, validate and empathize with those feelings. I keep sessions with each partner separately, to help them understand themselves. Often man does not even understand why he is interested in sex with other men, and he cannot explain it. When I finally put them together, I remember them the reason why we are never encouraged to talk about sex, so we never discover the rich shades of erotic drives.

Then we can take care of helping him understand if he is in fact straight, gay or bisexual. It could be any of these things. Anyone who is, this does not take anything away from everything else you know about him. It is always the same person you have fallen in love with, even if now it seems completely different to you.

Will he leave me?

Surprisingly, I have always thought that a woman's first concern was his health regarding HIV, AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases, but instead I discovered that the main concern concerns whether it will be left or not. Sometimes, after this news has emerged on his sexual interest for men, the sex between the spouses works even better, because he feels recognized and authentic without the need to hide this part of himself, while she feels raised because he still wants it.

When I work with these couples, I have no predefined program about the fact whether or not they should remain together. In the end, the lesson I get back is that, from a cultural point of view, we must come to terms and accept that sexual fluidity exists. Just because a man has sexual desires towards another man, this does not mean he is not straight. We must treat and remove the shame that surrounds the two partners, and strive to find out what is really going on.

There is hope, there is help. You don't have to suffer in silence.

* Joe Kort has a PhD and a Master in Social Sciences, is a sexual and relational therapist and is a co -director of the sexual therapy Institute, which provides certifications of sexual therapy and affirmative therapy for LGBTQIA people to psychiatrists all over the world. The MTI also offers a doctorate in clinical sexology.

Original text: When the other woman is a man Discovery Your Husband's Secret Sexual Life with Men.