I am a young Pentecostal gay. So I rediscovered the love of God

Testimony of a young Pentecostal

I am a young man from the Pentecostal Evangelical communities, raised with an idea of ​​very profound faith that has led me from adolescence to open my heart to Christ, realizing that the presence of God can still manifest itself tangible in the life of anyone who wants it, filling their soul of an indescribable love.

I enjoyed the presence of God as a Father, in particular, as I could not live a stable paternal figure.

At the beginning of my adolescence I started to feel attraction towards people of my own sex, which created a profound confusion in me.

I had been taught that any orientation other than heterosexual one was a condition of "abomination", not only humanly but above all before God, and as far as I tried to avoid certain thoughts unfortunately my mind seemed decided and my will could do nothing.

Over the years, in addition to sexual instincts, I realize that I end up binding me sentimentally to some of those I considered tight friends. Believing I was just a particularly sensitive person and loved one I continued my way together with the justifications I dragged with me.

Following a bad period of my life, which left me a partial physical invalidity and then after my father's death, a period of profound suffering began, and at the same time a principle of division of my being.

On the one hand I was a young man who loved God and who wanted to serve him, a young man who, having overcome the suffering for critical events, realizes very deep spiritual experiences, a young man who for some years has been responsible for a Sunday school class (similar catechism to be clear), which includes for the first time the practical love of Christ through fraternal love for those kids.

On the other hand, my repressed homosexuality, who tried to make space inside me, and I who was always ready to pray for those I thought of the thoughts of carnal perversion. It was not easy, a profound suffering and at the same time a feeling of inadequacy began to pervaded me, giving me the perception that in the place where I found myself I was not well.

After a few years I was now aware that that religious environment that I had always experienced as if it were the only perfect place and wanted by God, in truth it was nothing more than one of the many realities of the Protestant world, with one's own biblical interpretation, with its positive factors but with as many negatives.

I therefore chose to leave the community I belonged to. This decision created a profound distance from God in me, convinced that by removing me from that environment I could never have felt his presence and, more importantly, I would no longer be able to repress my sexual instincts, I had been accusing myself for years now, but at this stage the judge inside me had become so hard, which began to destroy my desire to live.

All this had repercussions in my practical life: I collected continuous failures and I could not find my way, I could no longer study, and drowning in my insecurities I started to isolate myself, convincing me that in that state no one could have accepted me. I felt a failed before God and before men, I wore a mask trying to go on, but it was useless. A strong anger exploded me in every situation that concerned me, then in the evening, removed the mask, they were tears of blood.

The only thing that apparently satisfied me was to look for sexual experiences with men.

Unfortunately, going on like this, I got to a point of no return. This year I looked inside and said to myself: "Or I do something to get out of this hell, or sooner or later I kill myself." To which, casually, while I was looking for anything else, I got the Facebook page of a psychologist: I don't know exactly why, but I felt the need to start a psychotherapy path.

After the first sessions I realized that I had to deal with the topic "I like men". This thing created me crazy anxiety, so I looked for some Christian reality on the internet that would think differently on the topic of sexuality, as my fear was to have to give up faith for my orientation. I found myself on the "Gionata" portal and scrolling through the various articles I found the Testimony of Paolo.

I will never forget that moment: for the first time I realized that I was not alone, I was not the only one to live this condition, for the first time I discovered that in the same communities from which I came there was a boy who had experienced the same sensations, problems suffering.

I talked about it with my psychologist, and she told me a phrase that came to me deeply, despite not being a Christian: "Who says it? They say about men ... but does not say God". At that moment the whole castle of insecurities and fears I had built I burst into a thousand pieces, and behind the rubble I found in God that father who awaits you with open arms and can't wait to embrace you again.

This was how I finally understood that God had never abandoned me, that my sexual orientation could never have moved away from him, because his love goes beyond everything.

Today, three months after the beginning of my path, I am another person, and I resumed my life with the certainty that he is with me!

To you who read and maybe you find yourself at least in part in my story, I want to remind you that God just loves you, and if you need even a person who can listen to you, with whom to confront you, do not hesitate to contact the volunteers of the Evangelical Project. It would be a great joy to be able to share our experiences because the change begins precisely from sharing.

Info> Evangelical project for homosexual Christians on the way