How much does it hurt to find out your daughter is a lesbian?

Text by Hara Estroff Marano*, republished on Psychology Today (United States) on 9 June 2016. Freely translated by the Gionata Project volunteers

Finding out that your 17-year-old daughter might be bisexual or lesbian can bring up a range of emotions, especially if you were kept in the dark while other family members knew about it.

It is essential to approach this situation with love and openness, becoming a person in whom others feel safe to confide.

Children should feel free to turn to their parents for advice and support, even in situations that may make a parent uncomfortable.

A wise parent doesn't start with criticism, but does everything they can to keep that door of communication open; it is the greatest insurance policy that children and parents can have.

There are at least three sources of your displeasure, and it is useful to distinguish them in order to be:

a) a mother to your daughter at a time when she probably needs support the most

b) a full member of your family. You seem more upset because you weren't informed when everyone else was.

There was something personal about excluding you. In other words, you have been actively rejected as a confidant. It hurts. You need to know why.

It may be that others perceive you as judgmental, or emotionally cold or distant, or emotionally fragile.

Or perhaps your daughter thought you might tell other people outside of the immediate family, to whom she wasn't yet ready to reveal it.

I suggest having a private conversation with your husband about this, not about why your daughter confided in him and her siblings, but why she avoided you.

Figure out what you could do better to be the kind of mother your daughter can trust with her deepest secrets.

It could be that your daughter didn't tell you because she thought you would be disappointed in her. For a variety of reasons, some so profound as to escape comprehension, many parents are initially distressed by the revelation of a child's homosexuality.

“Coming out” is never easy for a child, but for a parent there is often the initial loss of hopes and dreams. Many parents are able to overcome their feelings of disappointment to remain available to their children as sources of emotional support, wisdom, and advice.

However, perhaps your daughter sensed that you carry a big load of dreams for her future and needed to find more courage before telling you about her sexuality.

You may feel especially betrayed by your husband; you may believe that there should be no secrets between adults, especially about children. But you should be very grateful that your daughter confided in a parent, especially about such an emotionally challenging topic.

It may be that your daughter asked her father not to tell you until she felt ready to do so herself. Sensing that your daughter was at a critical stage of development, she may have recognized the importance of honoring her confidence as a way to build trust, which would continue to keep the door open for parental guidance. If so, acknowledge the difficult position your husband has found himself in and thank him for his wisdom in choosing to help his daughter.

You can't feel good about snooping for information about your daughter. I assume you peeked because you felt something was wrong, but you didn't act like an adult and approach your daughter to talk about what she might have in mind.

You could have said something like, “I wonder if everything is okay. You seem to have a lot on your mind lately. Is there anything you want to talk about that I could help you think about?” I suggest not looking for information about your children on MySpace. As the label says, it's their space. Just because you can log in doesn't mean you should.

Kids need to be able to express themselves and experiment in a way that isn't permanently harmful. How a child sees themselves at 17 is not necessarily how they will be at 25 or 30, so don't paint your daughter into a corner regarding her sexuality.

As a general principle, if you go snooping around your children's diaries and private spaces, you need to be prepared for what you might find. It's much better to sit down with your daughter and ask her if she has anything to tell you.

* Hara Estroff Marano is the author of numerous articles on relationships and family dynamics.

Original text: To Daughter Comes Out