Some tips for those who live the coming out of a loved one

CLémence Levasseur article published on the Marie France website (France) on May 28, 2018, freely translated by Daniela Allegranza

How can you accompany a loved one or a child who reveals their homosexuality? It takes a little tolerance and opening, and lots of love

"Here ... I'm homosexual." Have a friend, your brother or daughter just revealed to you that they are attracted to people of their own sex? If you did not expect it, the first reaction is the surprise, immediately followed by a certain dose of concern, especially if it is your child/a.

For some, for reasons of cultural sensitivity, the news is difficult to send down, and the reaction is violent. "My husband Stéphane remained speechless" Remember Marie, 48 years old. Their firstborn, Clara, revealed her homosexuality last summer. The father was unable to speak because of the shock.

Once you remain face to face, she confessed to me that it was unacceptable for him that his little girl was a lesbian, a boy. The discovery that his 16 -year -old daughter was sexually active and which, moreover, was attracted to women, was impossible to bear. The reason? In current society, the presumption of heterosexuality still appears: in our mind, the people we frequent are heterosexual for norm. Some fall from the clouds and do not react as expected. Bartholomé Girard, president of the SOS Homophobie Association, claims: “You don't have to be ashamed. Often the fear or ignorance of homosexuals are the cause of these reactions. The fact is that there is still too little of homosexuality at school, in the family and in the media ". Being homosexual still means being out of the norm.

Express your emotions and establish a dialogue

Does the coming out of a loved one upset you? Do not denote the feelings you feel: "It is important to accept them and try to decipher them, rather than pretending and giving the illusion of a pseudo-acceptance", says Isabelle Lacheref, psychologist and author of Bien réagir au coming out of a proche (React well to the coming out of a loved one, Jouvence editions); "We are sincere, no father and no mother imagine with pleasure that the son or daughter one day can reveal to be homosexual".

In fact, it is precisely for the parents that the news can be particularly painful: they find themselves suffering for the loss of the idealized son they had imagined, and for which they had built a life scenario. Some need time to process the news: months, sometimes years. "

The different possible reactions to the coming out are numerous as the personalities " says Isabelle Lacheref, and continues: "The important thing is not to destroy the trusted dynamics that is established at that moment between you and the person dear to you". Because this happens in the best way, it is necessary to express doubts and concerns in a constructive dialogue. The only rules are: do not judge, do not tell words that can hurt and forget the too definitive ones, such as "I don't want to meet your boyfriend".

Remember that revealing to be homosexuals is a courageous and necessary act, a path of truth and honesty; In fact, hiding an entire part of the life of their loved ones prevents being themselves and having sincere relationships: "Coming out is often motivated by the desire to stop living hidden, to be more serene after years of illegal life" Lacheref specifies, adding: "Sometimes the triggering element is the encounter with a partner or partner, and the consequent decision to engage in a life of a couple".

Stay quiet and fight the stereotypes

“When my daughter told me to be homosexual, I was afraid for her. I was afraid that it would get mistreated at school, that they would tease her " Mary tells and continues: "He rightly replied that the same danger of any other teenager in high school ran". Often, as in the case of Mary, parents fear the judgment and hostility of others. They are also frightened by the world of homosexuals, with the stereotyped image conveyed by the many preconceived ideas that still exist.

"The social and cultural representation of homosexuality refers to caricatured images of effective men or lesbian women with the appearance of a boy" Sylvie de Lannoy, president of the Contact Paris Association, explains, who helps homosexual and bisexual people to communicate with their parents and people dear them. De Lannoy adds that these images are nothing more than cliche.

Another fear is that of AIDS, a disease still systematically associated with homosexuality, especially to the male one. According to De Lannoy this fear is unfounded, given that heterosexuals are exposed to the virus as much as homosexuals, and that everyone should protect themselves.

Prove your support and play down

If the coming out upsets you, remember that the announcement is always a source of great apprehension for the person who does it. Choosing to tell the truth is often the result of a well -weighted decision, sometimes matured over the period.

"We must play down and reassure immediately the person who comes out, saying that this will not change your family or friendship relationship" Recommend Frédéric Gal, general manager of Refuge, an association that helps young victims of homophobia.

Sylvie de Lannoy confirms: "It is important to immediately comfort the person with simple words like I love you as you are, I will always want you well or you will always be my son, or my best friend". She too mom, De Lannoy began to engage in the association after the coming out of her 16 -year -old son: “Revealing one's homosexuality is a huge demonstration of trust. When the surprise passes, and the news is digested, the relationships come out strengthened, and the complicity becomes stronger ".

In fact, for the person who comes out, the affection and support of loved ones are absolutely indispensable. Bartholomé Girard says: “Without parents or friends present in everyday life, how do you find the strength to face the discrimination and daily attacks of which a homosexual person can still be the victim today? Coming out is, in a certain sense, a way to ask to be loved. It is one of the strongest signs of trust and esteem that a gay or lesbian person can manifest towards another person ".

Some relatives, especially parents, feel responsible for the homosexuality of a child. They reproach they have grown it too severely, that they have pampered him too much or, on the contrary, that they have not dealt with him enough ...

Don't feel guilty

"The sense of guilt can manifest itself in the form of aggression towards the son, who has not been able to respond to our expectations, towards ourselves or our relative" Sylvie de Lannoy says: “This situation, difficult to live, often leads to a state of depression which, in turn, can make the son feel guilty, because of the suffering of the parents. Well, this sense of guilt on the part of the parents is unfounded: there is nothing that allows you to say that they are responsible for the situation ".

For those who receive the announcement, the image of the person who comes out can change, or even come out upset. Yet, in fact the person does not change. His personality remains what we have always known, with his qualities and defects.

Do not change your attitude towards the person

Some parents may want to change their children or "heal them", even if homosexuality is not a disease. Sylvie de Lennoy warns: “If we try to oblige our child to change, he risks rejecting us or to live unhappy to enjoy it. On the contrary, it is essential to respect his way of living, try to understand him and help him live as he is, surrounding him with all our love ".

This path is more or less easy, sometimes it takes time: "All parents who have lived this situation really think that only this type of path, based on listening, dialogue and absence of judgment, can be constructive" He adds the president of Contact Paris. Isabelle Lacheref recalls: “The homosexual person has not chosen to be, but it is likely that it remains for life. With the right support, he will be able to live happy like anyone else ". Adopting the right behavior and supporting it is a way to help her achieve this happiness. It is your job.

Original text: Comment reagir au coming out of a proche