What we think we know. Discovering yourself as gay in a Roma community

Article by Christian Guiltenane* republished on the blog baxtalo.wordpress.com on 11 February 2016, free translation by Marco Galvagno

We live in a happy age, but we know that living in accordance with our sexuality can be difficult even today. Imagine living in a community where the fact of being gay is not accepted, as happened to John O Neill who spent his childhood and adolescence in a Roma camp who decided to share with us his coming out and fear of being rejected for one's sexual orientation.

John tell me what it's like to grow up in a Roma community?

There is the great sense of freedom that accompanies everyone's lifestyle. Freedom to explore the world, travel and see more than most people.

Did you like this lifestyle? What were the positive and negative aspects?

I really appreciated this lifestyle together with our community. Like most children I liked being outdoors, going fishing, playing in the fields, as it was all very exciting. The negative aspects appeared as I grew up, my gaze opened to the world, as my sexual orientation developed.

When did you roughly start to realize you were gay?

When I was about six I had a boyfriend. We weren't in love, none of that, we just liked playing sick man and doctor, things like that. We used to go to a field to kiss. I remember that my mother saw us kissing, gave me a slap and ordered me to come into the house. I don't think she was homophobic, she just had a shock; another aspect of my life as a child, besides my boyfriend, was that I liked dressing up in my sister's clothes and singing "Part of your world" from the little mermaid. I haven't done it again, I think it was just a phase, in the moment of searching for my identity. I grew up with four sisters.

How did you deal with these feelings that were starting to manifest themselves?

In my adolescence I was very afraid that someone would realize that I was gay. I was petrified of the possibility of anyone finding out. I had always heard stories of men being beaten or killed when it was discovered that they were having affairs with other men.

So is being gay seen badly by the Roma community?

Some Roma are very attached to old traditions and for them a man must be a man: earn his living, be a husband, father and heterosexual. Religion also maintains great importance in the Roma community, this causes the rejection of every GLBT person, because it is believed to be a sin against God.

Were you able to tell someone how you felt?

At first I had no one to talk to about it, I felt very isolated. The first person I told about it was my sister, I told her one last year, we talked a lot. I had taken a weight off myself by confiding in her. The strange thing is that years later it was she who came out to me and confessed to being a lesbian, it must be a family matter.

So what were you doing keeping it a secret? Did no one suspect anything?

I lived with this secret every day, I watched gay porn on the internet and I lived my sexuality like all boys my age, but in secret. I remember using the neighbors' wifi across the street to download porn and one day they knocked on the door to ask if we were using their connection, I was petrified thinking that they had seen what I was looking at and would tell my family. . Now I laugh when I think about it, I know how wifi works, but I remember being very scared.

When was your first kiss and the first time you made love with a boy?

Although I had already tried kissing as a child, as an adult it was with my first serious boyfriend, I was 18 and he was 20-21, and he was Roma.

Was it how you imagined it?

Yes and no. I had fun but I didn't think, when we finished, that we would do any damage. Now I laugh when I remember washing myself in the bathroom sink with the toilet we had broken. From then on I learned a lot about toilet lids.

Did you feel guilty? Did you feel like you did something wrong?

No, not even for a moment, I liked it a lot, but for me it was still a taboo, that's why I was in a hurry to do it in that boy's trailer. Now that I think about it, why didn't we go to the hotel?

Who did you tell it to for the first time?

To my sister, but the first real coming out was New Year's Eve (we start the new year after a grand finale). Afterwards I told two of my older sisters, my younger brother, I told my parents afterwards.

What was their reaction?

My mother didn't take it well, at first she cried for months. He told me he had always known it, I honestly believe it happens to all fathers and mothers. My sisters and brothers told me they knew it too. But then the second of my older sisters told me: “You have to get married to a Roma girl and make love to men in secret, that's how Roma men do it”.

Really?

I was shocked, how can you expect your brother to live a life of lies?

How did your father take the news?

The incredible thing was that he was the one who took it best, taking into account that the fighting spirit in the family came from him, I thought I'm a dead man, but no, he was very protective.

This thing is awesome. What happened in your life after this? Has your community accepted you?

A huge rift has been created. The ones I thought would take it well didn't, but the ones I thought would hate me forever didn't. I have received death threats on social networks from people who used them to defame me, but I have also received great support from real friends and family.

Now you're in love with your boyfriend Jason, how did you get together?

We started talking on social networks, what I liked, after so many troubles, was that in our messages we never talked about sex. I remember the first time I spoke to him we exchanged phone numbers. I called him and we stayed chatting until dawn. The following day we arranged to meet. I asked him to kiss me and he, very confident, replied: “I never kiss anyone unless we're together.” So I said to him: “Do you want to go out with me?”, he replied “yes” and we have been together ever since. Is it forever? “I love it, I'd like to think it will last forever.”

Excellent, Do you have good relationships with your parents?

My lesbian sister and I are best friends, but I also have a close relationship with my little brother and also with one of my older sisters, who I could spend days talking to. I try to always stay close to my family, but it's really difficult, because they always move from one place to another.

What advice would you give to other kids who are in the same situation as you?

Be careful, try to be yourself, don't let anyone tell you how you should live your life. If the Roma around you are homophobic, I advise you to move away and change friends otherwise you will end up hating yourself. qBe careful in sexual relationships, always use protection and don't see being gay as a negative thing, because it isn't.

Come out when you are ready, but don't use anyone as a cover or force yourself to live a lie.

*Original testimony translated from the English article 'I've had death threats because I was a gay Romany gypsy!'

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Original text: Sufrì amenazas de muerte por se Romani y gay