A gay between Jehovah's Witnesses. My journey to finally be myself!

Testimony of Samuel taken from the site to Comond Bond (United States), freely translated by Marta

We all have stories that concern our coming out and, even if some may seem similar to each other, in a certain way all are unique. This is my story. I was polite and raised as a Jehovah's witness, although my mother was not an active witness and suffered from alcoholism and my father had recently been reinstated in our congregation, after committing adultery while my mother was about to put me in the world.

As you can see ... the beginning of my life was really not bad. There is no need to say that my parents were not the most suitable people to educate me on the journey of Jesus.

My father became a fanatic of the Bible. Our conversations only concerned spiritual issues. He used to spend hours and hours doing research between the 'Guardia Torre' publications and neglected his family.

Oh, I remember very well the torture of the moments of study in the family, when he continued to talk about the Bible without stopping, for hours and hours. I ended up falling asleep with my head on the table and I was always scolded. I don't blame my mother not to have followed those study sessions.

My father punished us by making us copy entire parts of the Bible. As you can imagine ... I know the Bible from top to bottom. I remember that we continued to move from one congregation to another, because my father had very personal ideas and always had problems with the group of the elderly.

Let's say that my family had the reputation of being quite problematic; As a result, my two sisters and I were never invited to the parties who prepared the youngest of the congregation, because obviously we were not very popular.

I remember how painful it was to be excluded in that way. It was very difficult not to be able to be with schoolmates (who were considered bad companies that ruin healthy habits) and be rejected by the children of the congregation.

Cherry on the cake, we had to endure the emotional, spiritual and physical abuses of our parents - this because of the alcoholism problems of our mother and the fanaticism of our father.

Very times I felt alone and I hoped to be able to escape, away from everyone, and be adopted by a loving family. I was hungry for love.

I was baptized at 12 years old ... and yes, it was a personal choice. I was very mature for my young age and, despite my father's spiritual abuse, I had developed sincere love for Jehovah and his ways.

Slowly, but decisively, I became a convinced Christian, who served Jehovah as a assiduous witness and ministerial servant. From Belgium (where I was born) I moved to Spain, because there was more need for testimony there

I had the privilege of being one of the first to preach in English and to see a group of people give life to a congregation. The English Congregation had the task of bringing the good news to all those who were not the Spanish native speakers.

I remember to have brought the word of God to centers and fields for refugees. My work was blessed by various study activities of the Bible and even helped some people deciding to dedicate their lives to Jehovah.
Among the African refugees I was known as the shepherd Sam and still the brothers and sisters who go on service tell me they continue to ask me.

One of the best things was invited to Bethel, in Madrid, to follow a one -week course on teaching a foreign language. For many years I have taught English as a foreign language to the Spanish brothers and sisters who wanted to bring the Word of God to foreigners. I was very proud of me, because I was able to make me a good name despite the difficulties of the past.
But one day everything ended. I began to dig the pit myself on the day I started attending my sisters. All the relationships ended up in tragedy, with the various brothers and sisters who tried to take control of my life and my relationship of the moment and who pushed me in a direction I was not yet sure.

Yes, I felt a deep attraction for those sisters, but there was something that paralyzed me: it was the idea of ​​marriage and of having sexual intercourse with them.
I must confess that it disgusted me a lot. I kept asking for the reason. I attributed it to the way I had grown up, to my past, to the lack of love.

My last relationship led me to such a spiritual weakness to be abandoned, to date, the congregation. The sister I frequented seemed sweet, but a lot of malice was hidden under the surface. I really wanted that she and I was happy ... a perfect couple, but her jealousy and her lies snatched my ridiculous faith in love. I had moved to the Canaries to start a life in his company.

I didn't know anyone and the local congregation was very cold towards us. They were used to seeing many new faces continuously, since the Canaries are one of the favorite destinations of tourists, so nobody noticed that I was missing from many meetings.

Even if that tropical island was of breathtaking beauty, the time had come for me to say goodbye and move closer to my sister, who lived in the United Kingdom.
She too had stopped attending meetings due to the coldness of her congregation. I started working as a salesman in a clothing store ... and that was the turning point of my life. It all began to clarify.
Many of the people I worked with were gay. They intrigued me a lot and wanted to know more about their life. I must admit that as a young man I fantasized about men and very often I had found myself watching gay porn movies.

I felt a terrible sense of guilt. Whenever I happened to succumb to the 'sin' of masturbation, I forced myself to imagine having sex with women, but I always ended up thinking about men. I had never even admitted to myself that I could be gay.
One evening, after work, I invited dinner and to see a movie one of my gay colleagues. Since it was too late for him to go home, he stayed to sleep with me. We discussed very seriously with my feelings and he made me a direct question, who took me by surprise ... "Are you gay?". "I think so," I replied.

What is born from: I had my first sexual experience with a man. I thought then I would feel very dirty ... but I was surprised in feeling exactly the opposite. It was so beautiful, so right !!!
This was what I had wanted for so long. I felt uncomfortable in kissing a girl, but I would describe the kissing that boy like my 'first, true passionate kiss'.

After that experience, I had to rearrange my head ... and oh, heaven ... it took me a little to do it. I loved Jehovah ... and being gay was against his will ... but why then I felt it so right?!?! What did I have to do?
Did I fall into the hands of the devil? I prayed Jehovah, to beg him to guide me, to help me get rid of those feelings, to give myself more strength, because I felt so weak to fight alone ... but I never had an answer.
I fall into depression to the point of wanting to end my life. I had given my life to Jehovah, I had served it during my youth ... and was it just that things had to finish?!?!?
I had always dreamed of bringing the testimony to South America, where the need was remarkable. Was this, however, the life I would have had ... to be a fennel?, To be part of that system of things that is condemned to destruction on the day of judgment?

Instead of throwing life, I decided to seek professional help. The consultant who was assigned to help me must have been sent from the sky.
He was so patient and understanding. He really entered into empathy with me and even now we stayed in touch. He helped me so much !!! He saved my life.
He helped me to reorganize my thoughts, my feelings ... and to accept me as they are. He helped me to love me, since he discovered that I had very low self-stima.

In the healing path I discovered many things about me. I had given my whole life to help others, but I forgot to take care of myself.
I wondered even if Jehovah's witnesses were the only true religion ... and quite sadly I came to the conclusion that perhaps they were not.
I don't want to be considered an apostate, since I firmly believe that we all have a gift that has been given to us by our creator ... free will.
We have the right to think and do what we want, as long as we continue to follow the golden rule ... 'it treats others as you would like them to treat you.'

I confess that I never felt free until I went out into the open. I did it twice: 1 - I literally left a religion that made me feel guilty of being what I was, 2 - I came out in the open declaring my homosexuality.

Please don't misunderstand me ... I still believe in Jehovah and his sacred word ... but I stopped believing in religion ... in any type of religion. However, respect, just like I want religious people to respect me for what they are.
Even if the main reason that prompted me to leave Jehovah's witnesses is the fact that being witnesses and being gay are not two things that go hand in hand, there are some things for which, after meditating for a long time, I have doubts.

I continue not to understand why you are considered spiritually weak and you cannot have any privilege within the congregation when you grow the pizzetto or beard. I don't even understand why pre-matrimonial sex is wrong.
This meant that various brothers and sisters got married not for love, but only because they wanted to satisfy their sexual desires. Many times all this has ended with divorce.
I don't even understand why masturbation is considered a dirty practice. I can't think that even just a brother or a single sister do not live this pleasure of creation until the day he/she will get married. Does it mean that if you don't get married then you will never explore your body and sexuality?

In any case, this is just a personal opinion. Live and let live. My most painful experience occurred when I was left alone on two occasions in which I had turned to the elderly in search of spiritual help, following rape immediately from one of my ex-fees.

We received no word of encouragement from them, despite knowing that we were going through hell.
They were rather interested in giving me advice and talking to me about my clothing and shaved hair, which they considered too 'modern'. My belief of being able to rely on those who have the role of driving disappeared completely.
My entry into the gay world is still recent and I am trying to come up with all the changes in my life. I feel much happier now that I have finally reached my freedom.

I feel so light! I no longer need to hide, pretend or act. I am what I am and my new friends accept me for what I am ... with my past, my present and my future. I hope, one day, to be able to feel Jehovah's approval, to be able to pray to him again and feel his blessing. Shalom

Original text: Samuel's Story I Am Finally Free !!!