"Ostentto": the key word of homophobia

Reflections sent to us by Massimo Battaglio

Periodically I have to go back to discuss with someone who asks gays not to "show off". Sometimes they are people who make sense that an individual does not perfectly correspond to the social expectations to whom he should stick to the gender role -playing field. That is: “The male must be a male; The female has to be a female. Who is not there, he does it away from my eyes ”. They are therefore beautiful and good homophobes, even if they do not have the courage to come to the clash.

But there is also the "veiled"

Other times, those who ask to "not flaunt", do it because they do not want to deal with their own sexuality. He fears to be homosexual in turn (or he knows it very well and maybe he puts it into practice). But he received such a negative idea of ​​homosexuality that he does not want to see it. Above all, he does not want to see images of happy gays and lesbians, being convinced that homosexuality is pain and sadness. According to him, a homosexual who smiles, who dance or give a kiss to his partner, is false, pretends, "flaunt".

I try a great pity for these people. Living in the sadness must be very bad. But since I am not a psychologist, I cannot offer them that my friendship, if it does not scandalize them too much. And, as a friend, I recommend to be helped by someone more experienced than me; For example a good psychologist.

And the one "out of the laps"

Often, those who ask to "not flaunt" are openly gay themselves but intend to take distances from a community in which they struggle to recognize themselves. And there I ask myself: what is pros?

Personally, I learned that being part of a community does not mean sharing everything. For example, if I had to share absolutely everything about the Church, perhaps I would have already become Hindu. Or maybe not because, in turn, I don't think I share Hinduism by thread and by sign. Maybe agnostic? Well ... most of my friends are agnostic, so why not? But I know that Christian is not such a light question. It is not a question of taking a card, as if faith was a party or an association. And then I devised my way of being it despite all contradictions and thanks to them, and I'm there. In this, I must say that I feel in good company.

Being gay or lesbian, bisexual or trans, and therefore being part of the LGBT community that you want or not, is the same thing. Maybe you don't share everything. Maybe there will be discussions. But they are accepted because, in the midst of others like us, we live better. It is experienced that you are not alone; that someone resembles us; that you can count on him.

The "fixed nail"

What the most annoys to those who ask to "not flaunt" is, in addition to the joy we have already spoken of, the so -called "fixed nail". We can't stand that among homosexual people we often talk about sex.

But dear friends: have you ever tried to listen to your colleagues' speeches at the coffee machine? Holidays, game, food and sex (I don't use the most recurring word because it would be said that "flaunt"). Sometimes, married people, for decency, instead of sex talk about children. There is nothing strange: they are the four topics on which, always, humanity feels the need to confront each other. And if the places and moments in which you are seriously confronted, you do it as a joke, in the remnants of free time.

If this applies to everyone, I don't see why it should not be worth for us who, in addition, we live in sex just the element that differentiates us from the majority. For us, the approach with sexuality requires a double job: first recognizes sexual and then discover that you are "special" in a "special way. It is completely natural that the need to talk about it, to confront, to learn. Isn't it natural that photography enthusiasts speak between them about shots and cameras? Isn't it normal for them to meet on purpose to do it?

The problem is not the homosexuality in itself but the unjustified modesty that we still have of sex. Modesty that, as we know, becomes repression and can do serious damage.

The "butterfly"

Another reason to "not flaunt" is the fear of having to face prejudices. You know: gays are butterflies, unfaithful, irresponsible. Do you know? And who said it?

I know, for example, that two thirds of homosexual people from thirty years upwards live in relationship stable couple. Sources Istat They tell me that it is the same percentage that is found for heterosexual individuals. Then I know that, in the three years since there are the Civil unions, 3.6% of the homosexual population benefited from it. A higher percentage than that of first bed weddings related to the heterosexual population. Those who still let themselves be frightened by the stereotype of the gay incapable of significant relationships live in an old world, given that it has ever existed.

Eh but there is a lot of promiscuity!

But are we really sure it's our problem? An old friend of mine, a priest, several years ago, told me that the most recurring reasons in the confessions he collected, concerned precisely issues of promiscuity. The phenomenon, he said to me, was particularly intense among young people but recurred at all ages. And be careful: there was only talk of people who went to confess, that is, of very practicing Catholics. The theme of infidelity and promiscuity has always accompanied mankind, regardless of sexual guidelines. And the moral assessments that are given have always been the most varied: it is a bad thing; It is done but it is not said; It is done and is fine.

The specific of homosexual culture is that, among us, it is talked about. And this is not to "flaunt" but confront each other. It is questioning, accepting and to some extent ask for the support of others, of the community.

Remains an aesthetic question

Sometimes I have to feel explicitly that "to flaunt you ridiculous". But here we are again on a land by psychologists.

Let's face it. I don't know what is wrong if a boy who has just taken his path of acceptance, he wants to show himself for what he has discovered he was. And I don't see why he can't do it with pride, passion and joy. Even with irony, why not? Further on, he will reach full maturity and no longer need to proclaim himself incessantly. For now, I can only accept his invitation to share his happiness.

Conversely, if the boy a little fruit "makes effect", some problems, we have it. Not only are we judging it badly but we fear that it can damage us. We fear of being like him. And this, if it is not called internalized homophobia, has an even worse name: racism.